I get asked this question a lot. In a weird way, we have the entire world at the tips of our fingers, thanks to the internet. And yet, people feel more distant and lonelier than ever before. How did we get here?

There’s no one thing that caused this, but we can point fingers at a variety of reasons. Wealth inequality, exploitive social media, a world-wide pandemic, divisive politics, etc. Events that made people turn inward, focused solely on themselves. Can you blame them? How can anyone focus on other people when they are struggling financially, mentally, physically, emotionally? Answer: they can’t.

After years of being cooped up thanks to COVID, the world as a whole has lost their collective minds when it comes to engaging others in society. Everybody feels it, but no one can quite put their finger on it. The increase in rude comments, the urge to push others down, the overwhelming sense of entitlement. It’s a “me” world, because for lots of people, it HAS been all about them.

Social media and the news thrive on being divisive! Look at what I’ve got, and you don’t! Look at what these other people can do, and you can’t! Does that make you mad? Why not take it out on people less fortunate than you! Blame people that don’t look think or look like you! If your life is crap, it’s everybody else’s fault but yours!

If any of that resonates with you, then there’s your answer to the question: why don’t I have friends? To put it simply, you don’t have friends because you aren’t a friend. All the things you want in another person, you need to ask yourself: “Do I have those qualities?” You want someone to talk to and to listen to you. Are you capable of sitting there and listening to others? You want to be able to hang out and do cool things with people. What are your hobbies? Do you do anything that invites company or engages with other people? In other words, just like everything else in life, nobody owes you anything. Nobody has to be your friend just because you want them to be.

Here’s what you do: make a list of what you are looking for in a friendship. Then compare that to yourself. I can bet most people that struggle in this department aren’t going to be good friends themselves. These are the people that don’t want to talk about anything except for what interests them. They don’t put in effort to show up on time, or to even show up. They don’t care enough to dress appropriately or have decent hygiene. Unless an event centers around their own self-interest, they don’t bother. Wanna play this game together? Naw, not my thing. Wanna go watch this new movie coming out? Naw, not interested in that genre. Wanna grab a bite to eat? Naw, not my taste. Waahhh! How come nobody wants to hang out with me?

The secret to making friends? Be one yourself. You can blame everyone else, but then you have to ask yourself, would I want to be friends with myself? Would I want to be around someone who’s always: depressed, anxious, insert problem here? Someone who is incapable of caring about anyone else? Someone who only talks about themselves then acts bored when you have something to say? Someone who never engages with you unless they need something? Yes, these are all real people who then blames everyone and everything but themselves. It’s my mental health, my job, my family, insert every excuse under the sun here. Reasons may be valid, but they sure aren’t excusable. If you can’t handle your own self, why would anyone want to be a part of that? Answer: they don’t.